This was the conversation. The names have been changed to protect you from becoming an accomplice to murder.
You’ve been warned.
Me: Hello?
Him: Jezebel?
Me: Hi, Charles.
Him: Jezebel, hiiiii, this is Charles. How are you?
Charles—who either really enjoys saying his own name or doesn’t understand caller ID—has a history of giving me bad news. He works for the property management company that collects high rents and avoids high maintenance, like replacing the 1920s toilet that flooded my living room. Our conversations usually end in “let me talk to the owner.”
Me: Oh, yes, Chaaaarles! Hi!
The ends of my mouth curl up. You can’t hear dead eyes over the phone, but the smile comes through. I’m hoping the balmy tone will eventually lead me to a new commode. More bees with honey and less turd water and pee.
Him: Jezebel, I’m calling to let you know that the property owner has decided not to renew your lease.
Brain, Mine: (think 1990s TV static)
Me: Uh, okay, so we have until the end of August?
Him: The end of July.
Brain: Math? Like, right now?
Me: So … that’sssssssss … uh …
(I don’t think you can hear eye quints over the phone.)
Brain: (melting)
Me: … nine … ten days to find an apartment, hire movers, and pack? And move?
Him: Eleven days.
Brain: Oh, well, if it’s ELEVEN days …
Me: Can they give us an extension?
Brain: Wow! Great question!
Him: Ahhh … no, no. So, I’ll blah blah blah email you the apartment inspection paperwork and blah blah blah back to me that would be grea—
Me: So, we have eleven days.
Him: —t. Yes.
Me: Okay.
(You can hear sobs lodged in the back of a throat.)
*click*
I shut my mouth tight so I wouldn’t vomit on my keyboard. Yeah, it was a workday—11am on a Thursday.
I used to like Thursdays.
After that, I cried. I blew my nose. Then I Googled California tenant laws and blew my nose. Then I sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed.
Matt came home, and I went to the door to tell him the news, but the words were too heavy and wet and filled with snot. He looked terrified.
I reached a hand out to reassure him that it wasn’t as awful as it looked, “no one died, no one died, no one died.”
No one died. Not yet.