**to anyone who endured ultra-conservative sex-ed classes: this post contains the word abstinence. you’ve been warned**
Hey there. I’m starting 2020 with another shot at blogging. This time I’m putting it in the pubic eye (which, with no thanks to autocorrect, is crawling with crabs).
So world, or folks who fell into the ‘Lemme just google that real quick’ hole of the internet and happened on this blog in the long, deep float through the interweb abyss, here are my claims for 2020 …
1. Schedule, write & publish blog posts.
So far so good.
2. Don’t buy (or smoke) cigarettes.
Zero cigs purchased since the 22nd. I haven’t smoked since the 27th, but it’s still anybody’s game. Every hour of 2020 I miss my bff, and I suspect some art will pop up this year dedicated to a bodacious babe named Nicotine, with ice cold eyes, a liquid grin, and a smoking-hot bod.
Speaking of liquid …
3. Practice abstinence from booze.
Or is it abstinence of? I honestly can’t remember. I was too busy seething with jealousy over the public school kids who got to play with condoms and cucumbers.
I’ve been at this sobriety thing for an odd number of year — at the end of 2018, my yellow and grape-stained teeth had had enough.
Sober 2019 was filled with
- isolation,
- self-pity,
- mind-numbing phone games,
- cigarettes,
- envy,
- intricate crochet work,
- mountains of sweets,
- and tons of Klass — that’s Klass with a ‘k’ (class with a ‘c’ was pretty far from the picture).
This year I’m hoping to bring this to the party:
- a 12-step program
- more therapy
- hot tea
- friends
- this blog
- baking skills
We’ll see how the ol’ habits change in 2020.
4. Invest. Ugh. For real this time.
Aye, this has been on me to-do list for yarrs! <<I don’t know why but that line came out in the voice of a crusty old pirate.
After college, my answer to “What do you want to do now?” was pretty simple: “Retire.” Though I never told anyone — it’s been my dirty little secret for a while now.
5. Other trifling items to attend to
- Get passport.
- Get CA driver’s license.
- Get CA plates for car.
- Figure out (a) how to get free travel to Hawaii and (b) whether it’s fiscally prudent to do so.
6. Learn
when to say no.
7. Ask
for clarity when something’s unclear.
8. Reach out
for support.
I started therapy in the last half of 2018. And a lot of it is only now sinking in.
9. Take black moods for a walk.
For me, they lift after an outdoorsy 5- to 10-minute walk—something that was really hard for me to do in 2018, when hitting 3,000 steps on the Fitbit was an unusually active day and 2 brand-new pairs of jeans were purchased for my amnesic butt cheeks.
In March we moved downtown, started walking around the block after dinner, and I started bringing my dead butt back to life. Movie theater, parks, vintage shops, restaurants are all within walking distance, too. Plus the neighborhood’s lousy with all sorts of wildlife—feral cats, tiny dogs, fluffy skunks, and an extended family of tree-climbing raccoons. Adventure’s around every corner.
10. Submit a short story
about a Brontosaurus.
11. Use the following mood-altering substances on a regular basis:
- prescribed medication
- Lizzo
- Topanga Canyon
- walking to and working from the coffee shop
- belting out classic soft rock—like Air Supply while driving down a dark deserted highway—until your voice is as hoarse as when chain-smoking through the state of Arizona or as husky-sexy as Bonnie Tyler’s.